End of the Carnival Ride

Radiation machine, with the custom holder for my head. This is the machine I’ve been visiting M-F for the last few weeks.


The song below is taken from a long comp (120 songs) which some electronic musicians donated their tracks to so that sales would go to Macmillan Cancer Support. I’ve found this album to be a good one to listen to when it’s hard to fall asleep at night.

Next week is my last week of chemo and radiation. I’ve been looking forward to this treatment being over, but now I’m having second thoughts about that. Right now while there are various reasons why going through chemo/radiation treatment sucks, at least I feel that something is actively attacking the cancer that wants to grow in my head. There is some security in the treatment I didn’t really recognize I was relying on until today.

Once the treatment stops, I feel like the personal treatment becomes about trying to stay as positive as possible and not imagining the cancer continuing to grow in my head. From what the docs say I think I’m supposed to understand and plan out that it’s only a matter of time, but I don’t know how healthy it is to think that way. There are some things I have to plan out and get finalized in legal docs and the like regarding my healthcare and how my physical material is distributed, but besides that I’d really like to find a way to not focus on the fact that the docs have said that this cancer is terminal and will eventually kill me.

One medical treatment that I will be going through the rest of my life is taking chemo meds for a week each month to help slow the growth of the tumor. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to rely on that treatment as a foundation for continued fighting.


  1. Jessi

    Will be sending Positive Vibes your way. Not sure if the steroids have made you wired. I know it can make me not sleep for days, and then crash from exhaustion. Your attitude is one to be admired. As far as I know I don’t have cancer, but I know sometimes no matter how positive I try to be, behind closed doors I have times I just lose it, anger, tears, all surface. But I hate life revolving around being sick, some days it is unavoidable, I finally learned it was ok to let it ALL out, give up for a day, then pick my ass up and keep fighting. Hang in there,
    We love you very much, Alex as well,
    Jessi and June

  2. Mom

    I know what you mean Loren. You are doing a good job of trying to remain positive. It is good to hurry and get the necessary preparations ready, so that you can relax a little and then focus on living each day with hope and positivity. That has a lot to do with your healing.

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